Check This Sh!T: Amazon Fresh Serves Cannibalistic Needs

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I was surfing Facebook the other day, seein how many ladies were checking me out on my Social Profile (like a lot, btw) and I noticed the ad above.

Words from the wise to the dumb:

"Sir, while you may live a lifestyle you love and profit from it, you are also fat, and dare I conjecture, deficient in intimate experiences with the opposite gender?"
~ Logan Vance

Probably My Best Idea, Ever.

Aside from inventing a new exercise to sculpt my abs into the shape of a 4-leafed clover for St. Patrick's day, I think this is probably the best thing I've ever come up with. The Ultimate Dream Ticket:
Barack Obama and Morgan Freeman

Honestly, has nothing been more clear in the history of existence?

Let's look at what this dream-team has going for them:
1). They're both awesome.
2). Barack is all about change and Freeman is all about awesome.
3). While Obama has never narrated a movie before, I'm sure he's one of the few that could rival his new running mate. (Imagine how awesome a tag-team speech between the two of them would sound!)

When explaining this to someone else they said, "Yeah, and they're both black." Are we really that immature as a nation? I mean, come on, seriously? On that note however, Samuel L. Jackson could also possibly fill in for Freeman. Otherwise, I'd have him as the Secretary of Defense (did you see Snakes on a Plane?)

The 3G iPhone is Here (Finally!)

So that girl came in the other day, the one that's bought one of every iPod we sell. She came over to me and asked if I could sell her one of the new 3G iPhones (Cause she knew they were hiding in the back room). I politely told her no and she turned to leave.

Then she turns back around comes up to me, kisses me on the cheek and whispers in my ear, "you look even sexier than the new iPhone," and then left.

Honestly, it was a little weird. I hope she's not one of those people that finds computers, iPods, and cellphones sexually attractive because then we'd be way too much in common.

I've got a Stalker

This girl, Sami I think her name is, has come into the store 2-3 times a week for the past few weeks now. Each time she buys a new iPod. But not the same one, it's always something different. She started small and bought a silver iPod shuffle, then a purple one. Then she bought an iPod Nano and the next day, an iPod classic. Last week she bought a 16GB iPod touch on Tuesday and then a 32GB one that Friday. When she came in yesterday I told her we were all out of iPhones (which I figured would be the next logical step in her purchasing pattern) so she bought an AppleTV instead.

The thing is, she ALWAYS comes to me for her purchases. Someone else offered to help her once but she turned him down and walked straight over to me for help.

More on this as it progresses. My guess is she'll be in either Monday or Tuesday this week to buy the new 3G iPhone. Seriously it's totally awesome. Oops, I wasn't supposed to reveal that ;P

I'm not like Hillary Clinton.

The other day Jon Stewart called Hillary Clinton a deranged narcissist for not dropping out of the election (after Barack won, woot!). Later that day someone compared me to Hillary - to which I have a few things to say:

1). While we are both very manly masculine people, Hillary has a surprisingly lady-like set of boobs (maybe she's transexual?)

2). I am comfortable with my narcissistic tendencies. Ignorant people who say things like, 'You're deranged like that transexual running for president' are what is holding this country back. Seriously mom, fuck you. I can't believe you said that to my face after you walked in me while pretending to be Buffalo Bill.

Getting Hit on @ Work Can Suck Big Time

I got written up at work today. This old woman who looked like she should have been shopping for a gramaphone comes in and starts asking me questions about iPods. Apparently her granddaughter wants one for her birthday. If she had just stayed on topic about the iPods I wouldn't have had a problem, but as our conversation progressed I realized she was totally hitting on me. She kept saying stuff like "what a nice young man you are Mr. Logan", and "You're being so helpful". I got fed up with it and laid out in no uncertain terms how I was not into her. A long story short, apparently saying, "I'm just not in to black chicks" can be construed as racist.

Staying in a Mexican Jail Makes Your Butt Sore

Ok, so two weeks ago I got this brilliant idea of becoming a tequila connoisseur. Where else do you go when you want to become a tequila connoisseur than Mexico I thought. I told my boss at the Apple Store my Aunt... uh, I forget which one I said cause I was totally lying, but I told my boss she died in Mexico and I had to go there and bring her body back to the states.

So I get through the border and hit up the first town I find thinking they're probably going to have some great tequila for the tourists that just came into the country. College taught me that when people chant your name you're supposed to chug; I just forgot that the rule typically applied to beer or small quantities of hard alcohol and not an entire bottle of tequila.

Next thing I know I'm in a Mexican prison with a sore ass. There was another guy in my cell who smiled and waved to me when I woke up but he didn't speak English.

Long story short, I was lucky I only had to spend a week in that prison but I had to walk/hitch hike my way back home cause the Mexican Policia trashed my car.

Sadly, it still hurts to sit down.

I Can Sympathize With PC

Don't know if you've seen this new Get-a-Mac commercial. Working @ the Apple Store I saw it a few weeks before the public and I got a good laugh. But last night after searching Craigslist for people wanting friends (I think of it as giving back to society), I wound up @ Apple.com and started watching the new ads again. Even though my second religion has always been Macintosh-centric, I've never really sympathized with that PC character until now. Reminds me of when my 'friends' suggested counseling.

Mother's Day

So I forgot my mom on Mother's day and now everyone's been trying to make me feel guilty. I don't get what all the fuss is about though. All she did was birth me. I poop stuff out all the time and nobody marks their calenders for me.

Hangovers

Two Words, HUNG OVER. I need to stop going to parties I don't host myself. Waking up with a splitting headache and your friend yelling at you for puking into his piano/refrigerator is not fun. He didn't even let me explain myself. He just kept telling me to give him back his pants and get out. Needless to say we're not on good terms anymore. I need to stop celebrating these made up holidays.

The worst part is that, like all hangovers, I have nothing but unanswered questions. Where are my keys? Do I really need to apologize to my friend for what Mr. Pabst BlueRibbon is truly responsible for? Why did I leave romantic messages on my own answering machine? How did I get mustard in my shoes?

I think I just need to clear my head....

Off to a Great Start

To keep things simple, let's just say I thought yesterday (May 4th) was Cinco De Mayo and I had a little party at my apartment with me, myself, and I... and a whole bottle of tequila.

Conveniently enough today was my first full day of training at the Apple Store and I didn't wake up until about five in the afternoon. Sure enough, I check my answering machine and it's like a scene out of Office Space with Bill Lumberg calling the house every fifteen minutes. I call the manager back and talked some sense into her about 'considering revoking my employment.' I gave her some BS about an old woman with the power of OSX and my iPhone - (which isn't true cause I was the one who healed her).

I AM IRON MAN!!!

I know I was Iron Man in a past life, no joke. It just feels and sounds so natural when I say it.

Seriously though, go see the movie. Freakin' awesome.

Check it, Bitches. Someone Just got a Spiffy New Job

Good News! I just got hired on by the Apple Store as a Mac Specialist. Basically I'm going to get paid to listen to my iPod and play with sexy gadgets. The only potential problem I have with the job is I might have to talk to and deal with customers. Shoppers usually annoy the hell out of me. I thought of a way around them though. People usually ignore someone really intently looking at an iPod so I'll just check my MySpace with headphones on.

If that doesn't work I'll do what I used to do when I worked in retail. Just un-shelve and then re-shelve, break, and then fix.

We Can All Learn a Thing From This Little Gangster

People often ask me how I became successful in life. The secret is to just go out and do what you want to do, seize your destiny and make the things you want come true - like this enterprising little gangster:

What do Hillary Clinton and Microsoft Have in Common?

Donald Duck is an Asshole

I imagine if I was allowed to stay at the Magic Kingdom, something like this would have happened to me eventually.


(click image to enlarge)

For what it's worth, Goofy had it coming.

I'm Going on a California Adventure

Woke up early to hit up one of the three local Wal*Marts to pick up half a dozen cans of Axe and Tag body spray - I'm trying to be conservative so these will last till I get back home. After dropping off the stash in my room and rolling around in a cloud of Axe:Phoenix scent, I grabbed my D-Land pass and headed for the park. The bus ride over wasn't bad since I was going pretty early in the morning, but the driver was so ugly I almost want to become bulimic for her.

I waded through an ocean of tourists when I got there for about an hour before the park opened - unfortunately I wasn't able to find any special lines for my kind of people and decided I better not cause any more trouble while in town. When Mickey the Nazi Mouse finally got his ass off the train to let us in, I was immediately requested to be part of some sort of corporate photo shoot. One of the park employees pulled me aside and asked if she could take my picture. Naturally I agreed, it would be great for my resume to put down, "Modeling Work for the Disney Corporation." Later that day when I walked by the gift shop, I noticed they were already selling pictures of me for $14.99 each. They'll probably start sending me royalty checks in the mail every few weeks.

Other then that, I'm happy to report that the day has been running pretty smoothly, I just figured I'd pop by the Internet Cafe and give you folks a brief update while I chow down on some fries. Perhaps I'll come back later for another update if there are less creepy old men looking at various forms of 'illegal' pornography.

I've Been Stupid.

I'm not going to lie to you guys. As time ticks by I've begun to notice a *slight* decline in my body's usual trim and sculpted appearance. I was just about to renew my membership at the gym when this commercial came on about stomach vibrators. There I was sitting on the couch with my hands in my pants watching the TV and on the TV there was a dude doing the EXACT SAME THING but getting buff kick ass abs while doing it!

I don't know why I even thought of wasting money on a gym membership (= "Stupid Tax") when I could be creating the body I deserve while doing all the other stuff I want to do. The ad said I could return it for a full refund after 3 weeks. You know what THAT means:

Free abs of steel!!!

Who's the sucker now?

BTW - The folks at D-Land Management will allow me to go to California Adventure tomorrow, but I am banned from the Magic Kingdom for the next few years. Oh well, there's always Disney World

Computer Broke

Computer broke. Thought about throwing it at the manager when he asked about the broken tv. Since I want to keep my room for a few more days I just chucked it in the toilet. I'm currently blogging from my iPhone because I'm special enough to have one - and no not everyone get one; I doubt the cleaning lady that just left couldn't afford one. Perhaps if she was better at her job... I won't even go there.

Btw - getting a gun in California isn't as easy as I thought. Even the guys selling them in the alley behind my hotel wouldn't sell to me. Looks like Logan Vance is going to have to get creative if I am going to take out Mary Poppins.