Tuesday, April 22, 2008

D-Land, Day 2: Broken TV, Hot Chick, and a Revelation


I put my foot through my hotel room TV. Let me explain.

Because of the incident yesterday I've had some trouble getting into the other Disney parks; so I was forced to spend the day hanging out at the (un)Comfort(able) Suites. Aside from the TV incident, one other good thing happened today. 

After my ticket was rejected at the Magic Kingdom (can't blame for trying), I decided to hit up the hotel bar for breakfast.  Let me try and describe the barmaid in one word:

...

Ok, I can't. But she is the most attractive female I have ever seen, excluding myself in drag. I started things off with three shots of Jack and went to take a leak. By the time I got back, I swear her boobs got bigger or something. She started talking to me, for real. Not like those other airhead bimbos I chase after; this bimbo had brains. I told her I was here to go to Disneyland. I took pride in telling her, "No I'm not here with my family."

Unfortunately, I tried hinting that I was an available bachelor whereas she probably thought I was some weird ass jacko going to D-Land by myself. Personally, I don't see anything wrong with doing what you want, so long as you can get special treatment for being yourself.

Twenty minutes and five shots later, she said I was fine for the time being. I told her I would be lounging and doing laps in the pool in my speedo. Don't think she ever found me at the pool though, the chlorine pretty much doused what was left of the four cans of Axe I used for an impromptu shower the day before.

Anyway, back to the TV.

After a few hours of tanning and nearly drowning from swimming under the influence (which I don't recommend, btw) I came back to my room, took a half-hour shower, and strut around the room naked to dry off. I decided to treat myself to the high life and ordered room service.

While I waited for the food to arrive, I got a brilliant idea. I took the remaining two and a half cans of Tag Body Spray I had in my bag (need to buy more tomorrow) and went into the bathroom. After turning the room into a sauna, thanks to the shower and sink faucet, I sprayed out the contents of the cans and just lie there on the floor listening to the water run as the particles of liquid sexy mated with my body. Man that was awesome; I'm just glad I didn't have to pay the water bill.

The food arrived a good 30 minutes later so I was feeling quite fantastic. I wrapped a towel around me for courtesy's sake before opening the door to accept the food. Door closed, I tossed the towel back in the bathroom, water still running for later sauna usage, and brought the food into bed.

And then I lost it. The first thing I heard when I turned the TV on was, well, I don't want to get all steamed up again, but suffice it to say I immediately recognized it as the voice of Mary Poppins. That woman has been thinking she's the greatest thing ever for the past 44 years. It angers me because she clearly isn't! Instinctively I got up and put my foot through the TV and tossed it out the window.

I get it now. I know why I was brought here to Disneyland. Some supreme force wants me to kill Mary Poppins.



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